I don’t care if no-one reads this. I need to release some emotional spillage.
Yet again, I find myself having a depressive crisis so I’ll probably cry after posting this or have an anxiety attack. Oh well.
Better out than in.
3 months on and I can’t stop wallowing in disappointment because I allowed Mr One to see me as vulnerable which I work so hard to not be. Rehashing my naivety during our whole situationship is making me miserable and I don’t want to become bitter.
One of my bestest friends and sister have both started dating new guys and whilst I’m happy for them, I’m jealous. I can’t seem to move on from one shitty experience and just sleep around, hoe it up or talk to other guys without being cynical of EVERY man I talk to.
I feel like he has a hold over me and my body because he’s the only guy I’ve ever done anything sexual with.
Maybe it just’s in my head and this is anxiety speaking but I haven’t felt right or been my normal self since breaking up with Mr One.
- What he said to me, HAS got to me
- How he spoke to me, HAS got to me
- How I acted throughout this experience (like a damn fool) HAS got to me
My first foray into men, potential relationships and sex has left me emotionally scarred and I wasn’t even cheated on.
God, I’m probably just being dramatic.
He chipped at my personal wall of protection, self love, self assurance and left cracks.
Now I don’t know how to rebuild that wall or fix myself.
What’s even is worse is that whilst this was the first time a relationship/fling/situationship has left me feeling this way, it DEFINITELY wont be the last.
One positive thing I decided to do for myself is to rejoin the gym, to help with my depression and self-esteem. Hopefully that will help me return my body image back to 100%.
My eyes are burning with tears that I refuse to let out.
I will not cry over this guy or my own stupidity.
I will get through this.
Deja Rose xo
(p.s The Virgin Chronicles…. part 13 coming soon)