That night out that I mentioned in my previous post (https://dejaroseposts.wordpress.com/2017/04/10/the-virgin-chronicles-countdown-to-dick-pt-3/)….
1. I am still a virgin.
2. I did not get penetrated.
3. I did not make out with anybody.
4. I am disappointed.
On the bright side I did get pretty drunk!
And I looked great to the point that I felt confident in myself, enough to not let my anxiety ruin a chance to socialise with complete strangers.
So maybe the night did go better than what I thought.
Whilst I got myself ready for that night out, my mind was going into overdrive at the possibility of meeting a potential penis partner and it made me think….
Who would I want that person to be?
& What would they look like?
I don’t have the slightest clue.
Growing up in a predominantly white area and going to a predominantly white school.
I was one of five black girls in the entire school and whilst I stood out because of my skin colour there wasn’t a lot of positive representation for us young girls in the media or on TV so often we was just assumed to be unattractive by most boys and girls (oh how that has changed) for the longest time until we matured into our teens.
Now I will admit I was the ugly duckling of my academic year and family so I made sure that I kept it real in my head of what most people thought looks wise and although that sounds shallow I suppose in many ways it motivated me.
I knew I was never going to be known as the attractive girl in primary or secondary school but that didn’t stop me from having crushes on people though.
I could have crushes on whoever I wanted too! but I made a promise to myself that I would never tell a soul to save the embarrassment of people finding out.
My mother once told me that even the people who you think are closest to you; doesn’t always mean that they are on your side, be careful of who you choose to indulge in your secrets.
And I heeded that warning for most of my years in primary school until I made the stupid mistake of telling a ‘friend’ in primary school who I had crush on in our year (6 or grade five). Even though we wasn’t particularly close I believed that she wouldn’t tell anyone who I was crushing on at the time.
I didn’t think she would go and tell the fucking guy.
What a mess.
The first group of people that I found myself attractive was white boys of my particular age group (1996-1997 babies!) probably because I was surrounded by them throughout my life including television as well.
I only really had minor crushes when it came to school, I would crush on them for a week and then move like it never happened.
My major celebrity crushes when I was a kid were all black save for Justin Timberlake.
I was in LOVE with Sean Paul to the point I was convinced he was going to come to England and marry me along with Usher and 50 cent.
My first real, ‘REAL’ crush though?
He was Asian and he broke my heart.
Unintentionally of course.
But man for my first experience of heartbreak this one was particularly harsh.
My friend ended up telling her group of friends and my crush that I fancied him and it was one the top five most humiliating things that I have ever had to go through.
It was bad enough having the majority of my class know that I had some serious hormonal feelings for this guy but knowing that he knew was mortifying.
Heartbreak is real ya’ll, I was miserable for a good couple of weeks until I just sucked it up and told myself to get over it.
It’s amazing that I was feeling dejected over a relationship that never even came to fruition but for a 10 year old at the time, watching other girls in my year gush about having the guys fancy them it kind of hurt me that I never got to experience that with them.
That feeling of rejection stuck with me and this time I made to keep my feelings about others very close to the chest until I was sure of the friends which I had.
Do you think it’s important to at least some sort of romantic feelings towards the person who you are about to have sex with?
I’m not sure I do.
I mean if he’s hot then he’s hot but if he is a just a great guy overall then that for me personally is what will me make the panties drop.
Kindness is one of the most sexiest traits a person can have because that’s when know that it is coming from the soul.
It seems crazy to me how people have these list of preferences when it comes to them finding a partner and to me all that just seems like you are losing out on someone who could be the perfect fit for you because they don’t fit into your idealistic picture of who you want them to be.
But then at the same time maybe I should be more fussy?
I know now when I look in the mirror, that I could get with an absolute fox of a guy if I put my mind to it.
However if I am serious about losing my virginity to a stranger then it would be smart to have some sort of list of what I would like? That way it might prevent my first time from being a complete regretful flop.
So I had a think about a list and this what I thought of and yes I know I’m petty.
- Got to weigh more than me (a girl has got to have a couple insecurities)
- Beard, I don’t claim these men with just moustaches it freaks me out
- I low-key love a bald headed (or close cropped) hairy every where ass man
- Not bothered about height because I’m 5’1 everyone is tall to me (lmao)
- Race ain’t a problem for me but if I ended up with a Lewis Tan look alike or Tinie Tempah I would DIE!!!!
- My man has got be kindhearted, honest and cutthroat because that is exactly what I am and what I need. Being kind is the sexiest thing a man can be.
So know you now I am basic bitch when it comes to sexual partners what preferences do you have?
Let a girl know.
Six months to go.